I am sat opposite a woman on the tube. She is asleep, wearing a huge coat on this sunny day, legs with nobbled knees and hands with bones of a tiny bird. Her face is defined, but not like that of the models I work with, it is drawn, skin stretched across her face, sallow, hollow, huge dark circles around eyes which I have no doubt, when open, house fear and repugnant self hatred. She holds her emaciated body. Leggings hanging loose. I stare at her, running my hands down my hips. The hips which I have been hating. I sweep my hands across my collar bone, onto my shoulders. Let them rest there. I look back at the woman. Tiny. So much of me has yearned lately for weight loss. Slender body. “Just a bit more toned”. “Just loose a bit of this fat”. “Just slim down those saddle bags”. I remember the freezing cold nights. I remember the terror over every bite. I remember the time lost. I remember the love lost. I remember the power it brought me too, the sense of achievement with every kilo lost. Then I stop myself. Why? Why should I shrink myself, shrink my body, my spirit, my life, demolish my home to nothing? Why should I extinguish the laughter, the ambitions, the dreams? I do not mourn for the anorexic body I once lived in, for the fragile bones and wizened exterior. I miss the days of thin only in the moments I am insecure over my curves, the gentle dip between my hips and my thighs. I am more than the light that can shine between my legs and the power to starve myself. I have taught myself that I am determined. When I set my mind to something I will achieve it. All that dedication should be put to good use. So, sat opposite the cold woman, wrapped up in her coat. I strip off a layer and message my housemate about the dinner we will share. I plan my boxing session the next morning. I read my script. I remember, I am no longer where I once was and I am more than the gravitational pull between myself and the Earth. I am the travels I am planning and the nights of laughter with the grannies, I am the daughter who needs to be strong, I am the actress who will succeed, I am the writer who has finished a play…almost, I am the baker and the cook, I am the friend who people can cry on over a break up, I am the lover, though I don’t always show it, I am the giggler with Mickey, I am the yes woman (sorry Jake), I am learning to say no, I am a sister, I am the confidant. I am dedicated to a life of hedonistic pursuit. I am more than the gap between my legs or the dip where my hips meet me thigh, and that is vital.
About The Author
As a young actress and model, exercise, heathy eating and socialising play an important part in my day to day life. Having spent many years waging war against my body, I’m now committed to pursuing a more balanced lifestyle, with London as my playground as I follow my hedonistic ambitions. For the past few years I’ve been asked for a lot of restaurant, gym and cooking advice, so, here I find myself, sharing my pleasurable aspirations and hoping to inspire a balanced way of life in this beautiful city! It’s not all about the Kale or all about the cocktails, it’s all about a little bit of both, with a lot of sweat thrown in for good measure!
December 31, 2017
January 6, 2019
August 5, 2019